I thought I was always good at reading people's BS.
(that stands for bullshit, my friends!)
As someone who highly values relational cues like eye contact, genuine tone of voice, and physical cues of openness (i.e. no crossed arms) I would look for these signs of sincerity every time I met or worked with someone.
I also try to pay attention to how I feel afterward.
Do I feel drained?
Do I feel safe?
Did their words match their vibe?
I now know these as my gut-cues — the inner wisdom I’ve developed to sense when something is off.
But then one day my BS meter felt like it broke.
I was hurt - deeply - by someone I believed to be authentic.
We had a whirlwind business courtship - she felt like a kindred spirit.
I immediately assigned trust to her without really checking into my cues.
Every meeting left my head spinning. I didn’t know where I stood.
I doubted myself and felt like SHE had the answers. I was off-kilter but kept making excuses that there was something wrong with ME.
The signs weren’t as easy to read. For every moment of doubt I had in our business relationship, I also had joy in our connection. Or so I thought. I could write a zillion blog posts about what this relationship ultimately was about for me - but let’s just say I was having my first encounter with someone who was HIGH ENERGY/ LOW IMPACT. Someone who was shiny and said all the right things, but really didn’t follow through in an authentic or relational way.
My BS meter was trying to go off, but I wasn’t listening. I felt lost to my own cues.
Unfortunately, it took a really bad relationship to teach me a few things about trusting my gut, but I wanted to pay this wisdom forward to you — in case you may be doubting yourself about a work or personal relationship right now.
Here are the top 3 things I learned when I didn’t listen to my instincts:
1. Pay Attention to Your Inner Voice + Create Space for Reflection
We all have an inner voice that speaks to us, but it’s often drowned out by our “rational mind” – and it’s hard to shut those Dominant Stories up!
As soon as you feel something is “off” - LISTEN. Stop for a moment. Grab a pen or pencil and write down what is coming up. Or go for a walk and just listen to those physical cues. It’s when we get quiet that we can hear those voices more clearly.
By creating the space for reflection and listening to the whispers of my inner voice, I’m able to tap into a deeper level of understanding and wisdom that helps guide my decisions.
(This part is essential in order to move forward in life with intention and purpose!)
2. Listen to Your Body
It’s easy to try to override our thoughts and even our emotions. But something you can’t deny is what is going on in your body. I mentioned that with this person my head was spinning after we spent time together — I literally had headaches! I also just didn’t feel hopeful or energetic - I felt lethargic and like I was drained.
Mine was definitely trying to talk to me. If you feel more anxious after being with someone or leaving a meeting - listen to that - don’t disconnect or make excuses. Take some time and self-reflect.
3. “Believe people when they show you who they are the first time.” — Maya Angelou
I’m still learning how to listen to my gut and inner wisdom. It’s a lifelong journey.
But one thing I’m learning to do more of lately - is to believe someone when they show me who they are - the first time. I love to project into someone’s potential. What I’m learning to do now is deal in reality. Paying attention to the here and now helps me stay tuned into what I’m feeling. When I connect with my emotions in the moment, I’m able to explore the underlying factors of my feelings, which leads to some major personal growth. And I’m getting better again at wading through the BS (I live in Los Angeles — there is a lot of BS going on out here!) 🙂
Most of all - I’m believing in myself again. Having gone through a bad business relationship, I’m rebounding stronger and wiser for it. Forgiving myself for not slowing down, tuning in, and reflecting. And instead, believing that my gut is there to protect me and keep me safe. Putting my own inner cues first. And knowing truly, that when I’m feeling off, anxious, head spinning, or unsure…that’s my cue to slow down, breathe, and listen to my gut. It’s never wrong.