I was just wondering — What is a good way for someone aged 13-14 to lose weight? I have been what my mother calls overweight and my dad (exaggeratedly) calls obese for about a year now and it is really pissing me off. All the other girls at school are thin — like there are only about 3 fat girls in my grade. I want to be thin — one of my goals is to be able to walk down a busy beach in a bikini and not feel self-conscious. What is a good way to lose weight? – Emma, 13

Dear Emma,

I’m sorry you have to deal with weight issues already! It makes me sad to hear about the negative comments from your parents, as I know this deeply affects your confidence and body image. Our weight is a combination of our diet and our genes. Some people are genetically made to be bigger or smaller than others, and this is one aspect we cannot change. However, your diet and lifestyle are things that can evolve but it’s not a quick thing.

Take a look at your diet and overall health; do you eat a balance of foods? Make sure you’re eating enough fruits and vegetables, lots of water and eating enough? Sometimes our lives are so busy (especially at your age), that we forget to have breakfast or take time to sit and enjoy our dinner. Also, enjoy your food! If you LOVE pasta or chocolate, that’s okay! The key is to eat everything in moderation. Maybe creating your own healthy snacks, like yogurt with chopped strawberries, can help you eat healthy and try some new foods. Being active is also a huge part of feeling good (physically and mentally) about your body. Right now is the perfect time to try new foods and activities, like a new sport, hiking, or whatever suits you best!

It’s especially tough to have our family members put pressures on us that aren’t exactly helpful. For instance, instead of your father calling you ‘obese’ he could choose to help you look at your health in a positive way and begin making changes. So make sure you are clear that you want to be healthier for you and not your parents, friends or anyone else. Getting health has lots of benefits – perhaps you will feel better in a bikini but I am pretty sure no matter what you’ll feel confident because you will have learned to take care of your body and your mind by feeding it loving foods and thinking loving thoughts!

Blessings from Team Jess

Hey Jess! I was wondering if you could help figure out how to stop feeling beneath others. I feel like the popular people, or attractive people are better than me and I shouldn’t be able to do what I want because I will be made fun of. I need to boost my self-confidence because a lot of the time I feel worthless and weird. Please help. Thanks. -Amanda, 16

Dear Amanda,

I’m so sorry you’re not feeling confident! We all have times when we feel insecure but don’t let those insecurities keep you from enjoying every minute of your life! This time in your life can be amazing because we learn and discover so much about ourselves! You’re really becoming an individual, learning what kind of person you are and what kind of person you want to become.

There is and will ALWAYS be people that enjoying bringing others down, it’s crucial you learn this now. Why are you concerned with what they think? They have just as many issues as everyone else, so what gives them the right to judge anyone? The voice you have to focus on is your own – it sounds to me like you are keeping yourself back from living life because you are choosing to feel worthless and weird. No one can make you feel anything you don’t want to feel!

Start by taking a close look at your peers. Each is unique but ALL of them are going through their own struggles and awkward situations that high school creates. No one is perfect; all the popular and attractive girls are just as insecure as everyone else! That’s why they pick on others, to distract everyone from concentrating on them. Then take a close look at yourself, inside and out. Why not go out and experience what you want to do? Don’t let anyone keep you from being you. Pick out a few inside qualities you really love about yourself, like your sense of humor, optimism or charm. Then pick a few physical qualities, your great hair, legs, anything! Then remind yourself everyday about all of those things you love about yourself and that you are just as important and worthwhile as anyone else! Keep reminding yourself and slowly you will begin breaking down those insecurities and loving and appreciating how wonderful you really are!

Blessings from Team Jess

What should you do if a girl is mean to you over nothing, and she is talking about you and saying stuff about you that is not true?

Submitted by: Ashley L. 15, MI

Well, Ashley, since I lived this throughout my life between the ages of 11 and 17, I can tell you that the best trick of the trade is to ignore the comments. I know that’s hard. And I know that’s frustrating. I know you feel like you want to be striking back and lashing out and answering and defending yourself. But the truth is: We cannot control what other people say about us or how they feel about us. And sometimes girls and people in general are just mean. They’re mean because they have other things going on in their lives or they see something about us that makes them feel insecure or jealous. And they take it out on us in ways that are not very healthy. But that doesn’t mean that you have to believe what’s being said about you. And, quite frankly Ashley, it doesn’t mean that you have to build your life around what this girl is saying about you. I say ignore her. If she’s a true bully, she’ll go away because bullies really thrive off the attention. Don’t give her the attention. Know that she’s not somebody important in your life to be listening to. And spend time with people who really do love and like you, and I think you’ll see your confidence boost up again. And one more thing, Ashley: If one of your friends confronts you about something this girl has said about you, you can just say “I don’t know her, and I’m not interested in what she’s saying.” Just leave it at that. Don’t get into a name-calling battle or a tug of war of emotions. Take the higher road.

I have hit rock bottom before; the lowest of the lows. So, I started seeing a therapist and opening up more. I’ve been happy for awhile and even stopped going to therapy. But every now & then I find myself falling back into depression & self esteem issues. What can I do maintain a positive mind state?

Alicia

Dear Alicia:

We all have stages in our lives where we wish we were in a better place. But, during those times, we should take a step back and realize that recovering from depression isn’t just a one time deal – it is an ongoing journey to balance out all the negative and dark sides of our life with the richness and joy it contains as well. I know when you feel this way it is hard to see all the beauty that is in our lives. But consider that we are all so blessed to live in this age, where we can connect with people all over the world, just like you connected by sending your email. Remember: you are not alone!

Try a new exercise each morning when you wake up: Start by stretching every muscle in your body to get ready for the day, and then tell yourself three good things. For instance, you could think: “My eyes are beautiful! I am going to rock my outfit today! I was really happy that I could help my brother out with his homework last night!” Anything that gives you a little warm feeling to start the day. It might not happen overnight, but you should start to notice a change in your perception. It takes practice to recover from a depressed mindset – but it’s also not just thoughts alone. As you know, depression can sometimes be treated with a combo of therapy and medication.

If the depression persists, talk to a trusted adult. Don’t give up! There are so many resources available for you:

HelpGuide: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_teen_teenagers.htm
Psychology Information: http://www.psychologyinfo.com/depression/teens.htm
Teen Depression: http://www.teendepression.org/

Recovery can take some time, but you can do it! The very fact that you sent this email shows that you have the strength and will to live a happier, healthier life.

- Blessings from Team Jess

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I have never had a boyfriend, and I feel so incredibly lonely so often. I am losing weight, so I am feeling better, but I still I can’t seem to get that “desperate sticker” off my head. Boys can apparently sense it, and they run away. But how can any girl honestly stop looking? I need your help, Jess–I really am going out of my mind. Thank you for your time!

- Claire

Well, Claire, you’re right. I think that guys can sense the desperation inside of you, and it is probably very intimidating for them. I would suggest taking the emphasis off of finding that boyfriend, finding that man, and really putting it on building your own relationship with your self. If losing weight is making you feel better, I think that’s fantastic. I would also focus on what else you have to offer in conversation. What are your interests in your everyday life? What kind of acts of service are you involved with? What kind of career might you be interested in? How are your relationships? By focusing on all of those areas of your life, it’s going to take some of the pressure off of the desperation of finding a relationship, and it’s going to distract you. Basically, what’s going to happen, before you know it, is–you’re going to be living your life. And then, you are going to be attracting guys into your life because you are really present in it and you’re not waiting for your life to begin for when you meet a guy and have a relationship-–you’re really going to start to live your life right now, and not when you have a boyfriend. That’s really going to help you with this, Claire.