Hello I’m a 13 year old 8th grader. I would like to know how to deal with people who just tell me that I’m a ugly girl and that I need to go home and stay home. I can honestly say that I am a little over weight for my age. Last year I weighed 186 pounds and this year so far I weigh 172. So, Jess, what should I do about my weight and the people at school? My boyfriend tells me that I shouldn’t pay attention to them but I can’t. It’s been going on since I was in kindergarten!!
Merissa
p.s. please help me with my troubles!! Thank you for creating this blog!!
Dear Merissa:
Plain and simple- those people who say such harsh things are IDIOTS!! Other people’s opinions can devastate us and make us see nothing but what they say when we look in the mirror. It doesn’t matter if someone is joking around or actually trying to be mean: it still hurts and ignoring them, or smiling at them and walking away, may make them stop, but it might not make their voices go away.
So, instead of working on changing them, change yourself! Create a new label for yourself, one that celebrates your favorite features and reminds you of all the things you want to (and can) achieve! The next time someone calls you ugly, say: “That’s not who I am! I am a beautiful girl who’s gonna change the world.” It might not get instant results, but you will notice a difference! I am glad you have someone supportive in your life like your boyfriend and if you need extra support I’d tell a teacher, a parent or a counselor so you don’t have to endure such bullying. But in the end – it is the voice inside your head that counts most – make sure you are being kind in your words to yourself and don’t take on their cruelty as a way to treat yourself. You deserve so much more!!
I just read somewhere that when people criticize and say mean things that it says more about them than it does about the person they are criticizing. They are revealing themselves to be cruel. That doesnt always help in the moment but it is something to try and remember.
Your boyfriend was on the right track, and for the reasons that Jess has stated. Perpetrators may not necessarily be any more idiots than we are for listening to them. So rise above the insults. It is good to have an alternate description for yourself, a thoughtful one.
I am a big guy whether I was fat or not, so people usually do that in a drive by situation. So you know it is fear based. Living in fear is a choice of ignorance. So, become informed. My key to health is weight moderation. I have always been able to maintain a relative weight; funny thing is I will never get rid of my belly. I had it when I was a skinny child. It is who I am an no-one can understand that now.
Remembering that no one can change who you are is paramount. I do not think that “change yourself” is acceptable in some regard. We must accept ourselves first. Then make a change in others attitudes toward us. We can only to that by becoming authorities on our special circumstances and ourselves. “Go home,” is not an option. There may come a time when you may need to be prepared to shove things like this in the public face. Choose an outlet like a trusted family member who will listen to you even though they do not agree with you upon initiation.
Practice their, families grow and communities fall around them. Make your stand and change the world like Jess says.
Merissa,
Jess is right! The only opinion that matters is your own. I used to be just like you, weight problems and everything. Its hard not to listen to those voices, but you must or they will consume you. You have to step away from their hatred and out of the darkness. Let those that love you and know how beautiful you are surround you. Let their love flow into you and the hatred and darkness flow out. You are a wonderful and beautiful person and the sooner you realize that, the sooner those voices go away. You and only you can control your happiness! You have a great potential to be this incredible person, so stop listening to the negative and feel the positive. Feel it like the sun on your face, feel it like water on your skin, feel it like a light in your soul. You have a Goddess inside of you, you just have to let her out!!
Right on – Lacey!!
I totally agree with merissa….!!!
its painfull to hear such comments ,specially when such harsh words are thrown at your face by the people very close to you, specially ur frns……I can relate her story with mine…its been going on wid me as well since my childhood.m also overweight acc. to my age n looks **** ugly because of which i have no boyfriend even today…. i also wanted 2 look beautiful n have boyfreinds as others do….but latter i understood this is something impossible n got disheartened… very soon by the grace of god, i got what we call “true friends”, who supported me, fought 4 me,loved me., 2 be vey frank made my life worth living….i wanna thank them for their selfless support n luv….!!!
merissa ,i think u got my message 2 u….**** those who hurts u….i did n felt the real difference….i know its hard 2 ignore this part of life but not impossible
be happy with ur boyfriend….takecare
waiting for your response….!!!!
sam
Sam, I’m so glad you have the support of your “true friends” when I was younger I didn’t have any of those until I met my first love. You will find a guy that is willing to open his heart to you. The more you love yourself and have that light inside of you shining the more you will draw people to you. Of course you have to be aware of those that are drawn to you, because whether we like it or not the people that are drawn to us are do not always have our best interests at heart. But those that have their own light shining and are willing to open up with you and shine with you are the ones to keep. You are not ugly, because no one is, its a word that is used to make a person feel less than they are. But beauty is a word that seems to have forgotten its meaning, it shows the person’s soul. If you feel beautiful on the inside, you will show beautiful on the outside; to yourself and to others.
But in order to feel it on the inside you have to cleanse your soul of all the negativity. And let all the positive energy in and flow through you like your blood. Its easier to say than to do, but practice makes perfect!!
May you find your place and be happy with it,
Lacey
You know I forgot to mention something. Acceptance! You want people to accept you. You want have friends accept you. And you want to accept them. But do you accept yourself? Do you feel accepted on the inside? Do you feel like they should accept you? You need to look deep inside of yourself and see how you feel about your acceptance. If you feel like you deserve to be accepted, then you will be. You have to realize that you do deserve it! You do deserve every happiness in the world! Accept who you are, everything about you, inside and out, and others will begin to accept you too. Its hard, one of the hardest things to do, because we are our own worst critics.
Here’s some ways to help you accept those things. Make a list of all the things you are teased about. Then make a list of all the things you don’t like about yourself. You’ll see that they match, pretty close. They don’t like those things about you, because you don’t like those things. So your thoughts and doubts about yourself brought on the thoughts and doubts of others on you. So you have to change it, think good thoughts about yourself. Start to say something good about yourself every day, and you will see a difference in the way others treat you.
Ok and another thing is to look at those lists and one at a time look at each individual thing and think about what they say about it. Think about what you say about it and why you feel that way. And then think of something positive about it, or a way to change it into a positive. Like say for me one of my things is that I have a big butt, I used to hate that! And others used to make fun of me for it, you know “can I get some fries with that shake” or “baby got back” or anything else they could say that would make me hate it even more. But then I met someone that liked it. Said it made me look good in jeans. I realized that if someone else can like it, so can I. So I started to realize that if it were much smaller I wouldn’t look very proportionate. So I realized that I have a big butt for a reason.
More than likely, of all the things that you feel is wrong with you, there is one person that adores it. Sees it as a quality that is you, that makes you the wonderful person that you are. It might be hard to believe, but in my studies, I’ve seen it. So think of that the next time you look in the mirror and think only of what you want to change about yourself. Because what you should be thinking is how wonderful you are. It sounds egotistical, but its not, its inner love. I really hope that this helped someone.
Thanks for sharing everyone!
Self affirmation is an extremely powerful tool to building yourself up, and we all need that. Be specific and grateful for your unique, positive traits.
Make a list of what you appreciate and love about yourself, inside and out!
I love … that I laugh easily, and can be silly.
I love … that my eyes remind me of my mom.
I love …
I am so proud of girls like you … who make a brave choice to NOT retaliate with ugly words in return. I love that you are a hero for the girl’s you are growing up with today. There is more power in helping each other than chopping each other down with unnecessary and untrue words.
I am going thru the same exact thing right now): People left and right call me fat and ugly. But I just tell myself not to listen to them.. They might bring your self confidence down but you have to bring it up(: Tell your self urr beautiful! Because you are!!! It is hard to not listen too the people around you but you have to not listen to them! They are not you! They have no right to call you fat! Or ugly. The world is a hated place with many hurtfull people inside of it. Unfortanitly we have to learn to deel with it. We have to fill up on beautiy and exheal the hatred.
I get the same thing except about my hair and i want people to stop! They think just because my hair is frizzy that its ugly! D:
honey
people who act in such a hurtful way dont only hurt you but they hurt themselves yeah it might not seem like it but its true.my niece was very short in the 4th grade and she got bullied many times but over the summer she grew so much that she was as tall as everybody and right now your going through the same type of stage.if YOU like the way you are then who cares what everybody else thinks and remember if you werent pretty then their wouldnt be a boy on your side and im not just saying pretty girls have boyfriends all the time so girls im not saying that any body is ugly all im saying is everybody is unique and beautiful in their own way . so my dear next time dont forget alll your amazing qualities.c(: